When you don't get what you want..

"When God doesn't give you what you want, it doesn't mean that He hates you. He loves you, always."

It hurts when you don't get what you want. Human tendency? Get angry, get disappointed, sulk. Yes I did those.

So, the story goes after my trip to the Komodo Island. The day after I landed back in Jakarta, my eyes got red, swollen, and watery. I went to the doctor right away and he said that it was just a bacterial infection healing within 5 days. He prescribed me with an antibiotic eyedrop. Okay, I thought it wasn't going to be that bad. That was Saturday. On Monday and Tuesday, I still came to school to work on the Graduates' Devotion with the Class of 2011. I still worked long hours on the computer working on the powerpoint slides and looking for sound effects. My eyes got tired, my body got worn out as well. My eyes weren't showing any improvement at all, it reddened even more, and scared some people a bit. (Whoops sorry hehe). The Graduates' Devotion was supposedly on Wednesday and Thursday. I came and did LCD as usual for Wednesday, and I decided to go to the doctor right away from school. I changed to a different doctor since the previous doctor wasn't convincing enough. The doctor's words came like a thunderstorm to my ears. She said that this was the Pink Eye disease, and I had to be on bedrest for at least the next three days coz I will be in critical condition until then. My mind worked right away to the thought of the Graduates' Devotion on Thursday. That meant I cannot come for it. It took me some time to wrestle and calm my thoughts and feelings to accept the fact that I wouldn't be there for the last ever Graduates' Devotion, and probably the last meeting with all my classmates. I had no power to change the situation, so I had to accept it.

I went through Thursday pretty much resting at home, but still watching TV and websurfing online. Seeing the redness kinda soothen at night, I thought maybe I could come to the VBS Volunteer Meeting held on Friday. I had planned to volunteer for VBS since a long time ago and I had wanted for it so badly. But my dad declared an absolute no. I was kinda mad at his decision, but I got no choice. I went to sleep, and the next morning, guess what: I cannot open my eyes at all. It was all swollen up and red, that it hurt so much to open. I had to lay helplessly on my bed, couldn't do anything or go anywhere, since I couldn't see. There in darkness, I was reminded with a life principle "Obedience brings blessings, disobedience brings curses." I regret my last night's decision to disobey my dad by having a bad attitude. As the consequence, I had to learn a valuable lesson in the hard way. I figured out my way to crawl out of bed to my parents' room and apologize to my dad for what I had done. My condition of not being able to see lasted from Friday morning till Sunday evening. I had to settle down with the fact that I had to miss out MSA Awards Day too. That day should have been the last day I meet my friends and teachers, but I had to miss it. I complained about being helpless to come, and all. But then God reminded me another lesson: be grateful in everything, although everything may not go as the way I wanted it to be. Throughout those times, I was brought into a deeper realization of what a precious caring family and wonderful friends I had. I had my parents and sister who lovingly take care of me while I cannot see. I had countless BBMs from my friends praying and wishing me for a speedy recovery. I'm also very thankful of the friends who kept on asking me on how am I recovering and my latest condition. Thank you sooo much! :)

The process of recovery still went on up till the following week. I went back to the doctor on Monday to have another check-up session. VBS started on Wednesday. I wished I were all well by then. But the doctor said that my cornea had been affected that my blurry vision may not be fully restored until the following week. So that means VBS is a definite negative. My right eye could not even read the top letters on the eye chart. My heart just broke at that moment, almost moaning to God "why, Lord?". So I had to tell to the VBS committee that I had to resign from being the volunteer. Thankfully, when I went back to the doctor on Wednesday, there was a significant improvement. Both of my eyes can at least read the first five lines on the eye chart. It's not all restored 100% by now, but I know it's a process of learning for me too. So I had to take it in.

The battlefield went in my mind on telling God, "God, I thought you said in Psalms 37:4 that you give us the desires of my heart. You know how bad I want to do Graduates' Devotion, Award's Day, and VBS. Why do you have to take them all away from me?" But then the Lord replied in a way saying that "I am the Lord. I know what's best for you. For now, be still." There, God said it, I got to be still. I am now thankful that in my sickness, I can learn so many valuable lessons that I may not have learnt otherwise. Obedience, Family, Friends, Gratefulness, and Being Still. I just love the Lord for teaching me all that throughout the weeks. And I deeply appreciate all the friends who had prayed for me in all these. God worked out healing in me, because He heard all your prayers!

The most valuable lesson learnt from this experience might be the quote that I started this entry with. Even though I didn't get what I want, in this case is all those events, I can still be thankful that He has better things in store for us. He loved us, He loves us, and He will love us always.

Yours truly,

Natasha Crescentia